This is a difficult and long post to put into public view, but God has put it on my heart that it is time to share our story. Most people avoid conversations about infertility, and most everybody knows someone who is impacted by it. I certainly did not think that we would be that couple. The couple who struggled to start our family. I hope this post helps someone who may be going through something similar. There are many of us out there and we should not feel alone. With that said, here is our story...
John Mark and I started praying about starting a family during the summer of 2013. We had planned to start trying the following summer of 2014, but John Mark began having difficulties with Step 1 (one of the board exams he had to take and pass for his MD). We both felt that we needed to wait until December, which eventually turned into February of 2015. I had a doctor's appointment and was told that everything was ok. She didn't anticipate us having any trouble getting pregnant, but asked us to contact her if we weren't pregnant after 6 months. We started trying, and around that time John Mark passed the dreaded Step 1! We felt a huge sense of relief and were so excited as we anxiously waited for his positive test result. The trials we faced with John Mark and medical school were hard and exhausting-for both of us! I knew that we would have difficulties, but I also thought we would eventually get a break. John Mark's struggle with Step 1 and medical school were not only difficult for him, but for me as his wife and supporter as well. It devastating to see him struggle with anxiety, stress, and panic attacks. I desperately wanted that period of trials to be over, and for John Mark to have some peace and reassurance followed by times filled with joy and excitement as we continued our lives together.
A few months after John Mark passed Step 1 I became anxious and obsessive with counting days and trying to get pregnant. My periods were never consistent, and when they came I had excruciating cramps, headaches, and threw up several times per cycle. These symptoms were not new to me, but they seemed much worse. My ovulation test kits were never consistent. Each negative pregnancy result brought more tears and heartache. I felt like something else was going on and John Mark said that if it didn't happen by December, then we would seek consultation. We met with my doctor and she started me on a common Clomid regimen in January of 2016 to help jump start ovulation and increase our chances at pregnancy. She said she wasn't worried about our ability to conceive, but as many of you know, the Clomid didn't work either. My ovulation tests were still inconsistent and the medication made me so sick and miserable. I knew something still wasn't right. After several trials of Clomid, followed by more negative pregnancy tests, my doctor referred us to an infertility specialist where we are currently receiving treatment.
Our consultation meeting in May 2016 lasted over 3 hours. We didn't feel rushed, but it was an overwhelming amount of information. The doctor confirmed that I have severe "thin" PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and showed me the several, very large cysts in both of my ovaries. He showed us some of my scar tissue where some of those cysts have ruptured, which has been very painful, and eventually said that this is what is preventing us from getting pregnant. He said that the Clomid indirectly caused my cysts to grow and essentially the cysts "fed" off of it and a few ruptured. He told us that we could get pregnant, but it will be very hard and the "old fashion way" simply won't work for us. He said that the odds are already stacked against us, but we still had options to try. Our plan included more medication, shots, vaginal ultrasounds, appointments, and a lot of additional out-of-pocket expenses. And if our plan didn't work after a few cycles, we would have to seek out other options like IVF (invetro fertilization) and adoption. These other options were fine, but my heart wasn't ready to even consider those options at that time. Our doctor was encouraging and he said he wasn't worried about us getting pregnant. It was appreciated, BUT this is the 3rd time I had heard those words, and I was tired of hearing that, and nothing actually happening.
We left that appointment feeling so heavy and discouraged. With John Mark's stress rising again with Step 2, applications, interviews, residency options, I couldn't handle it. I was tired of praying. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of acting like everything was ok when it wasn't. Tired of crying. Tired of answering questions of when we would start a family and pretend we were waiting for John Mark to finish medical school. John Mark and I didn't know where to go after that meeting so we pulled into a Sonic to get something to drink and we prayed. We decided to tell our parents later that day about what was going on. I needed people to pray for us when I couldn't do it myself. We felt immediate relief and they were (and are) great about checking in on us.
Don't get me wrong, even though my parents, John Mark's parents, and eventually our siblings and close friends knew, there were some very, very dark days. [I still have dark days.] I got mad that it was so hard for me to get pregnant. I thought I did everything right. I mean, we waited to have sex until we got married, we prayed for over a year before we even started trying, and here I am 2 and a half years later, and nothing. I got mad that I didn't get to pee on a stick and wait for two pink lines, I would have to wait for the results of a blood test through a phone call. I wouldn't be able to surprise John Mark with a cute “you’re going to be a daddy” present. We wouldn't be able to reveal the excitement with our parents or siblings in a fun and exciting kind of way. I know this wasn't the big picture but it still hurt. It hurt. I hurt. My heart ached each time a person asked me when we are going to have children and why we haven't started a family yet. I know they meant well, but they don't know how much pain that question brought and still brings. I wanted to both yell and cry at them at the same time. I wanted to say that I am doing the best that I can. I was truly joyful for my friends and family who announced that they were expecting. I was and I am so happy for them and their new journey with their growing families. As joyful as it was, it brought on just as much heartache and pain. After each announcement, gathering, or celebration where babies were the main topic of conversation, I would leave in heartache and tears and feelings of loss. Not that I was mad at anyone, but I was just so sad and devastated that I still wasn't there. I didn't have that same joy and excitement to share that I so desperately wanted. I just had doctors, and medications, and appointment updates that have lead to nothing and consequently battled continuing feelings of failure. I would get sad, mad, and bitter that I'm still not the one celebrating my new baby and I don't know why. I cried (a lot) and would say it wasn't fair. [And again, if I'm being honest, I still have these days.] I wondered, "Why isn't my body working? I take care of myself! How come it is so easy for others to get pregnant and not me? We've prayed so hard and for so long for this… so where is my answered prayer?" It just down right sucks. I compared myself to others and think, "Well if I had their luck, we would've had a baby right now. Maybe even pregnant with our next one." I knew that I shouldn't do that, but I did. I got mad at God and thought what other lesson is He teaching me? I feel like these lessons haven't stopped in the last 4+ years. I just wanted a break. I needed a break.
Even throughout our treatment cycles, it hurt. I felt like I had failed after each one. I was a nervous wreck at work waiting for that phone call, and I could tell it was negative by how the nurse greeted me on the phone. I shut myself in my room and would cry to the nurse and she would give me instructions for the next cycle and calm me down before we ended our phone call. Then, I would call John Mark and lose it again. It took me a few days to recover after each negative. I cried when I got in the car on my way home from work, somehow compose myself when I walked in the door, but would lose it all over again when I saw John Mark. I cried into the night and wanted to stop after each one but then wanted to keep going. It was a loss for me and it took a lot to move on from that cycle and start with another one. Letting family and friends know brought on more pain. It's hard because people try to tell you to be hopeful during these trials, but when you go through them, it is so easy to be negative. To me, I felt like I was a failure and I was failing again and again. It's hard to explain it to those who haven’t experienced infertility. It's hard for people to relate to the fertility treatments, emotions, appointments, schedules, medications and feelings of failure. It's hard for me to explain what I'm feeling and what is really going on and to try to be positive and optimistic when I'm just not. It's difficult to expect understanding from everyone. I’ve learned not to expect people to truly understand, if you haven’t been through this type of trial, you just don’t (and that is okay). Even though they mean well, it absolutely aches when people say, "Well, maybe next cycle, let's try again and hope for that one..." When you do these treatments, each cycle is an investment. You invest so much of your time, your money, your sanity, your hope, and all the emotions and hormones that each one of them brings. [I won't mention all the side effects of the hormones- they make me feel like a one-woman circus!] The medications are filled with hormones that mimic pregnancy, so at the end of each cycle you begin to experience symptoms of pregnancy. Each cycle you get your hopes up that finally something worked, and then there is complete devastation that it was nothing. Nothing. And you have to start all over again.
Due to all of the hormones and stimulation my cysts would usually return after each cycle and I would have to take a month off before we began new cycle. This would mean getting back on birth control until the cysts were under control and manageable. We ended up doing 6 cycles of different infertility treatments including timed intercourse and IUI (intrauterine insemination). The treatments gradually increased in intensity & invasiveness with number of appointments and medications with each attempt. We had a long, difficult discussion with our doctor after our 5th cycle where he revealed that he was genuinely surprised that we weren't pregnant by now, and was shocked that I didn't respond as "robustly" as he had hoped. Our doctor explained that after approximately 6 cycles of intense treatments like these, our chances of pregnancy plateau and eventually go down. If we didn’t conceive with all these treatments it might be something more than PCOS and our only options left were either IVF or adoption. He said we were great candidates for IVF, and anticipated that we could be successful through that route. I hated hearing that. My heart felt like it had been shattered and my hopes were dashed once again. I had been told so many times that we would be fine, or that we would make great candidates for this and that, but it all failed. I still failed. We gave IUI one last chance, but it was unsuccessful again. We had a hard decision to make. We were forced to decide whether or not to keep going with fertility treatments, or to stop and pursue adoption. I was torn. I was so tired and wanted to stop, but I also wanted to keep going. I wanted to be a mother. After praying, talking, and crying a lot, we found peace in the decision to pursue IVF, and if that did not work we would have closure knowing that we did everything we could in order to have our own children. In April of 2017, we started the IVF process for egg retrieval to eventually do an embryo transfer.
Then we hit rock bottom. Hard. At the end of April, our dogs, members of our little family that had become the children that we so desperately wanted, died unexpectedly in an accident. Alamo and Caesar will always be our first babies and we will always miss them. I felt like God betrayed us and we betrayed them because of what happened. Through all of the hurting of infertility, this was a hurt that I have never experienced before. I couldn't have babies, so they were my babies, and those dogs meant the whole entire world to me. They were the ones I loved on when I left for work, got home from work, cuddled and cried with whenever I had a negative test. After a negative or rough appointment, I always had Alamo on the couch with me just to have and hold something there that was mine to love and care for. I thought God and I had an understanding, like here is my limit, here is my line, please do not cross it. He did.
John Mark had to graciously pull me out of my mess and say that the ONLY way I was going to be ok is when I fully and completely trusted in Him. I knew John Mark was right, it wasn't long ago that I had told him the same thing with Step 1 and medical school. It's hard to admit that I had put having a baby, missing my dogs, and trying to fill those voids in the forefront of my mind, not God. It's so easy to do that. It's also so easy to make the good things that you have or want your idols. It's easy to say the right things and know what you're supposed to do, but it is not so easy to follow through sometimes. It was hard for me to realize that, and admit to myself that I had let other things get in the way of my trust in God. I had to get to the point that nothing else mattered but God. I had to trust in God's plan… even if it meant no babies at all. That was a difficult realization, and honestly, it is still difficult. The struggle to remain focused is heart wrenching and exhausting, but it really is the only way to have that indescribable comfort and peace that He can only provide.
After losing our dogs, we continued with preparing for egg retrieval. This meant more shots and medications hoping to boost follicles and encourage mature eggs. I was closely monitored to prevent ovarian hyperstimulation since I was on so many different hormones and medications that it required. Egg retrieval was the hardest procedure I've had to go through so far, it takes a great toll on you and takes days to recover. After retrieval, we ended up with 13 mature eggs, which resulted in 8 frozen embryos. Our egg retrieval was early on Mother's Day 2017. Later that morning my sister surprised us with a gift from my family... two puppies. John Mark and I cried as my mom told us that they were ours not to replace what we lost but to help us heal and to bring us joy during these tough times.
As of right now, we are continuing with IVF. My treatment was delayed three times due to numerous large cysts. Thankfully, last week my cysts were small enough so that I was cleared to start the process of our first embryo transfer. If this journey does not end in a successful egg implantation, then we will pursue adoption. We will have peace and comfort knowing that we did everything we could, but it just wasn't in His plan for us to have biological children. Yes, we will also be devastated that it didn't work out this way for us, but my heart also knows that God's ways are higher than my own. He works for the good of those who trust in Him. He is not out to get me, but to provide for me. And I can't do anything but put my hope and trust in Him. Again, I know this will be easier said than done. I am still learning these things, but trusting in Him is the only way I have felt the peace that only He can provide and that has been enough for me during this time.
With our story in a nutshell, this is what I have also learned through this storm [and I am still learning]...
God is good. He has shown John Mark and I a lot during our 6 years of marriage and I feel we've come a long way and really knowing that we need to seek Him first above all else. Let's be honest, some days are really good and I'm feeling confident in God's plan, but other days are just hard and I really, really struggle with it. It does help to know that we have others praying for us. And as for me, I have total peace with John Mark's residency and our future. I know that His plan will be a good one and I know John Mark will be doing great things and soon. However, on some days I do not have peace with my infertility, and somehow on those days John Mark does. I am so glad I have him next me through this so we can balance out each others emotions on this roller coaster of a journey.
My identity belongs in Christ, not with infertility or any other struggles that I may face. I am His child. I am adopted and I was purposefully chosen by Him. He has my best interests in mind and He knows what He is doing. I have no control. I may think I do, but I do not. I believe that it is ok to trust God's plan and to also have feelings of anger, bitterness, despair, and sadness. He knows I feel desperate for answers. He knows how badly I want a family of our own. He knows that I am trying each day to wait well for His most perfect plan to unfold. But some days are hard and He knows that we are going to have conflicting emotions with our struggles and our faith. This is not new for Him. In one minute I am totally fine with God's plan for John Mark and I but then the next minute, I get so upset and angry and bitter, and then I feel guilty. I've learned through prayer and counsel with family and friends that it's ok to take those feelings to Him but not against Him. He is not out to get me, He is right there with me during this storm. It helps when I am in constant communication with Him. We may not see Him there all the time while we are going through something so heart wrenching and difficult, but one day I know I will see how He perfectly orchestrated it all, all for His glory.
We are not made to go through struggles alone. I felt alone even when I had John Mark with me through all of this. I still felt no one could understand my pain. I had to reach out to others and ask for prayer and counsel and help. Close family and friends were an answered prayer. Times are hard and sometimes you just don’t want to pray. I know when I was having a bad day, I could just ask others to lift me up in prayer and their responses provided such relief, encouragement, and thankful tears. We need people to help share our burdens, no matter how heavy. When we were first going through this, I wanted nobody to know. It was my burden, my personal struggle, not theirs, they wouldn't understand. But the more open and honest I was, the easier it got for me. It got easier each day for me to focus on Him. I am not alone in this. And by opening up, I have met and become closer to those sweet friends who have been impacted or experienced infertility as well, and that has been a huge comfort and blessing to me.
Lastly, this has taught John Mark and I to be thankful for what we do have and that we have a lot to be grateful for. I have an amazing husband who is incredibly supportive in everything I do. He is patient with me, comforts me, challenges me, but most importantly, he prays for me and over me when I can't. He constantly encourages me to seek Him first knowing that is how my heart and mind will have peace. We have wonderful parents and siblings who consistently check on us and pray for us when we feel good, when we feel overwhelmed, and when we feel lost. I have close friends that I can count on when I need to vent, to cry, to be mad, to laugh, to be unreasonable and absolutely ridiculous, and just to listen. And I have a job that I love and enjoy. And to think, God blessed me with all of this. He didn't have to but He wanted to. Yes, we want children of our own. Yes, my heart still yearns and aches for it. Yes, some days I cry out for answers and I'm a hormonal and emotional wreck who can't understand why this is happening. But I've learned that I have to train my mind to combat those negative thoughts and feelings to positive ones. I think about all the things that I just listed and realize that His love is far greater. His plans are greater. He is preparing me for something that is greater.
I know PCOS is fairly common. I know infertility is fairly common. And I know the pain and sorrow these conditions bring. It is heartbreaking, overwhelming, debilitating, and stressful. It is not easy. If you are also struggling with this, please know you are not alone. Please know that John Mark and I would be more than happy to pray with you and for you if you are having to go through this trial too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but please know that you are not alone and feel free to reach out to us. Also, I have posted the devotionals, books, verses, and songs that have helped me through this time.
I know this is a long and heavy post, but I hope it was encouraging to some. I am still learning to "wait well” during this season as John Mark and I are preparing for our first embryo transfer. I ask that y'all to please pray for John Mark and I as we continue down this road to starting our family.
Thank you for reading & thank you for your prayers,
Sarah
"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—Rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
-Philippians 4:4-7
